Hello, class. It’s time for the third installment of Prof. Dubya’s free training on becoming a newspaper journalist.
If you were paying attention last week, when I presented the second free installment — which deftly explained exactly how even YOU can craft your own novel — you know that I promised to give you Prof. Dubya’s 21 Rules for Perfect Prose.
And I will, too.
Just not yet.
First, something much more important streaked across my mind the other day, and I felt it was salient enough to chase it down, haul it back and offer it to you — as a bonus, you might say.
This item comes straight out of Prof. Dubya’s Book of Journalism, and it came to mind because, now that you’ve written your very own novel, it occurred to me that you MIGHT! suffer the consequences of being second-guessed.
Things like your characters, your plot, your structure — well, everything, really — could be called into question. This could explain all those rejection slips.
And so, there are three mandatory phrases from which you must carefully choose every time your work is … ummm, dissed.
They are:
— Ita erat quendo hic adueni (“it was that way when I got here”)
— Credo nonnulus hic morteous esse (“I believe several of the people here are dead already”)
— Reportus stinkus (“news is what’s left when reporters are done removing the interesting stuff”)
Feel free to use either the Latin or English version.
What you’ve waited for
OK, moving on.
It’s now time for the meat of this class — Prof. Dubya’s 21 Rules for Perfect Prose, as stolen from the wall of a co-worker many years ago in Monroe, Georgia (I kid you not, Gary and Terry Gallman!).
1) Subject and verb has to agree.
2) Do not use a foreign term when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
3) It behooves a writer to avoid archaic expressions.
4) Do not use hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it effectively.
5) Avoid cliches like the plague.
6) Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and should be thrown out the window.
7) Placing a comma between a subject and predicate, is not correct.
8) Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
9) Consult a dictionary to avoid misspellings.
10) Don’t be redundant.
11) Don’t repeat yourself or say what you have said before.
12) Remember to never split an infinitive.
13) The passive voice shall not be used.
14) Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
15) Don’t use no double-negatives.
16) Proofread carefully to see if you have any words out.
17) Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
18) Never use a long word when the diminutive one will do.
19) Avoid colloquial stuff.
20) No sentence fragments.
21) Remember to finish what you
There you have it, class. Nifty stuff, huh?
Well, sad to say, this is the halfway point and there are only three more weeks of class — and then you’ll be turned loose into the Fake News World as graduates of Prof. Dubya’s School of Newspaper Journalism. There will be a tear of proudness in my eye.
Next week, we will postpone class so that I can present a pitch for new students. Call this time your winter break. We will reconvene in two weeks — but until then, review what’s been presented so far and be prepared for the scheduled test in a few weeks.
Class dismissed.
W. Curt Vincent can be reached at 910-506-3023 or [email protected].
