Words are my business. And like most supposed wordsmiths, its something that requires constant attention.
So I have listened with interest each week when WLNC radio presents its segment on getting the English language right. It’s a relatively new feature in the morning and, I must say, it’s so far been pretty enlightening.
Prior to that, and still, I’ve been a fan of BuzzFeed, an online informational website that can be quite educational on a variety of issues. About a year ago, it presented a segment titled “15 Reasons Why the English Language Makes Absolutely No Sense.”
I was intrigued.
While I’ve grown accustomed over the years to being told “this is how it’s supposed to be done” by The Associated Press Stylebook, other editors, English teachers and writers I respect, I couldn’t help investigate how the English language was flawed even when done right.
Here are a few of BuzzFeed’s highlighted items …
— Spelling: Why are “philippines” and “filipino” spelled so differently?
— More spelling: If GH can stand for P in “hiccough,” if OUGH can stand for O as in “dough,” if PHTH can stand for T in “phthisis,” if EIGH can stand for A in “neighbour,” if TTE can stand for T in “gazette,” and if EAU can stand for O in “plateau” — then the correct way to spell “potato” would be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU.
— The following sentence has seven different meanings depending on the stressed word: “I never said she stole my money.”
— Plurals: We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox becomes oxen not oxes; one fowl is a goose, but two are called geese; yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of a house is houses, not hice. If the plural of men is always called men, why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called a beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose; And the plural of cats is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him; but the plural is not the, this or thim.
— Rhyming: Read and lead rhyme, and read and lead rhyme; but read and lead don’t rhyme and neither do read and lead.
— Confusing: Contractions function almost identically to the full two-word phrase, but are only appropriate in some places in a sentence. It’s one of the weird quirks of this language we’ve.
— Really?: Firefly is the opposite of waterfall.
— The Big Bang Theory episode: Two students, James and John, were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was, “is it better to use ‘had’ or ‘had had’ in this example sentence?”
The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.
While John had had “had,” James had had “had had.”
“Had had” had had a better effect on the teacher.
— Numbers: 40 is forty, not fourty; 90 is ninety, not ninty; 4th is fourth, not forth; 9th is ninth and not nineth.
— The exception: It’s “I” before “E” except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.
— And finally: Why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing; grocers don’t groce; and hammers don’t ham?
If you are like me, you need a lot of aspirin right about now.
W. Curt Vincent can be reached at 910-506-3023 or cvincent@laurinburgexchange.som.
