W. Curt Vincent
Editor
It was just about this time 20 years ago that I found myself standing more than knee-deep in a mud pit … wearing a dress.
Let’s see if I can recall how things went so far south.
The entire thing was completely the fault of Pat Coslett, a looney-bin knucklehead who owned a large furniture store in Evansville, Indiana. He was also on the school board there. Pat bought really nice stuff to furnish peoples’ homes with, and then let several pot-bellied pigs — and Lord know what else — have their way with it.
It just wasn’t normal.
Anyway, for something like 257 years, my newspaper (The Spencer County Journal-Democrat in Rockport, Indiana) had sponsored the incredibly popular hog-wrestling event at the annual county fair.
But then, along came Pat, who suddenly wanted to, ummmmm … hog the action, so to speak. Or, in the universal language of Pig Latin … “At-pay Oslett-cay ame-cay to Ockport-ray to be an igshot-bay at the Og-Hay Restling-way.”
So, the Pig-Loving Furniture Man waved some big bucks in front of the head honchos and offered to bring a film crew from Evansville Channel 25 if he could sponsor the event.
There was only one small glitch — the event already had a sponsor. My newspaper!
Being the good corporate sponsor we were, however, we told the Fair folks they’d be nuts to turn Crazy Coslett down — so they didn’t.
Everyone seemed happy. Except Evansville’s Pig Man. He wanted something more.
After some negotiating with the Fair folks, it was decided that there would be an exhibition match between Coslett’s Furniture Festival and … the local newspaper.
And, oh, by the way, it had to be a WOMEN’S team.
I had five women working at the newspaper at the time. One was 65-plus, one was as prim and proper as you can get, and three were … well, not exactly athletic enough. So a women’s team seemed out of the question.
Which left us with quite a dilemma. We certainly didn’t want to back down from a challenge, but what could we do?
Then it hit us — and by us, I mean the guys. Why not get someone to DRESS UP as women? That could work. And since the team had to consist of four people, and we had four non-women employees on staff … well, you get the picture.
After a 90-minute shopping spree at the local Christian Resource Center in Rockport and a mad dash to Evansville looking for the proper hair pieces, we felt ready.
But we were definitely NOT pretty.
It’s quite possible that what folks saw come walking out of the men’s restroom at the fairgrounds that night of hog wrestling left them with recurring nightmares to this day. Some of the more brave folks in the audience actually took photos as we went by (shudder).
After the introductions and some finger-pointing from the Coslett Crew, we got down to business.
The newspaper boys — er, girls — were first up … or down into the pit.
The four of us — Jeff Givens decked out in a lovely pink prom dress; Ron Heady sporting a flower-print ensemble; Adam Pruiett daintily clad in an airy sundress with a Tina Turner wig; and yours truly, absolutely stunning in a Tootsie/Mrs. Doubtfire outfit — sucked it up, adjusted our “stuff” and stepped into the pit. Listen, squishy mud inside your bloomers just isn’t any fun. But we pressed on.
That’s when someone unleashed a 527-pound Hogzilla. We chased and fell. Then we chased and fell some more. Once again, we chased and fell. All in a circle that was maybe 10 feet across. At one point, we even managed to get Pigfoot into the air — but knocked over the tire atop the barrel in the middle of the pit.
Back to the drawing board.
Finally, after catching a glimpse of the Furniture Fanatic laughing at us, we dug in — and hoisted Hog Hogan into the tire. Our time? One minute and 58 seconds, which seemed more like one HOUR and 58 MINUTES.
Coslett and his crew were next, but we were far too near death to watch the first few minutes. When we’d caught our breath, the Coslett Crwew was still dancing with their piglet in the pit — so we decided to help, which endeared us even more with the hometown crowd.
In the end, we were the champs. Or, in Pig Latin … “At-pay ouldn’t-cay et-gay the ob-jay un-day and was ooped-way by eyes-gay ressed-day as immen-way!”
W. Curt Vinmcent can be reached at 910-506-3023 or [email protected].