Well, my friends, it’s been an interesting week since Prof. Dubya presented his final exam for Prof. Dubya’s Journalism School students. He spent the first three days awaiting your answers, then spent the last couple of days in a lugubrious mood.

I’ve never seen him so discouraged.

Prof. Dubya’s disappointment isn’t at all aimed at a situation where those who passed along their pop quiz answers were terribly below par. No sirree. The gloominess was the result of very little interest in people turning in pop quiz answers. Even digging deep into his spacious pockets to pay for gift certificates good at local businesses — including eateries — didn’t seem to create a partaking surge.

My aching, throbbing heart muscle oozes with sorrow for him.

In fact, in order to be accurate, to say only a “few” responded would refer to too many. In reality, a total of three students responded.

THREE.

However, as he began grading those trio of quizzes, Prof. Dubya’s very being became ebullient. That’s because the first entry he graded, which was also the first one he received, turned out to produce a perfect grade of 100%.

That pop quiz was submitted by student John Lewis of Wagram, and he not only answered every question correctly, but he even safely managed to navigate question No. 8, which was a tricky one.

All of that has earned Mr. Lewis first place in the class and a $20 Chamber gift certificate good at numerous area businesses.

“I have to say that I truly hate to see these columns come to an end,” Lewis wrote in a very non-sucking-up kind of way. “I had hoped to learn much more (e.g. creative use of mixing tenses in a sentence, etc.). However, I (submitted) my final exam paper for grade which will, hopefully, encourage me to write many, many, many more letters to the editor in the next few months.”

That makes us here at The Exchange smile broadly.

Right behind Lewis came a pop quiz entry from student Kirby Winston of Maxton, who would have had a perfect paper had he not been tripped up by that question No. 8. He left that one blank, and it cost him.

But Winston will receive a $10 Chamber gift certificate good at Jerry’s Deli & Grill — unless he chooses to use it elsewhere.

Third place, and the winner of a hearty congratulations from Prof. Dubya, comes in the form of an emailed entry all the way from Alaska. Student Hazel Deese is a long-ago Scotland County resident who follows things online and thought she’d enter. Sadly, she had missed the first two classes and could only answer 12 questions correctly.

Still, the professor tips his hat to Ms. Deese.

What could be considered a highlight of the series of classes came recently when an anonymous package was delivered to The Exchange office. Labeled as “A Peace Offering: Could Be Tuition,” addressed to yours truly from ANONYMOUS, this package contained a Caribbean Rum Cake, a $1 million bill, two pennies, a bumper sticker proclaiming Marvin GOAT for president in 2020 and two Civil War coins (Union Gen. Irvin McDowell, 1818-1885, and Confederate Gen. Pierre G.T. Beauregard, 1818-1893) from the Mystic Stamp Co. in Camden, NY.

There’s no tangible proof this package arrived as a pre-quiz bribe, and even if it did … who would the professor apply it to? But aside from the bumper sticker, Prof. Dubya enjoyed every item — most especially the rum cake and Civil War coins. He immediately knew the giver was, in some way, offering his two-cents-worth, and peace was declared.

Class dismissed … for good.

W. Curt Vincent can be reached at 910-506-3023 or [email protected].

W. Curt Vincent Editor
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