This isn’t bad. This isn’t bad at all.

I was hoping for someone like Ty Cobb or Shoeless Joe Jackson — anything to do with baseball would have been awesome. Even Mario Mendoza, the famed object of the batting average measuring stick better known as “The Mendoza Line,” would have been entirely acceptable.

But considering how things shook out, it could have been a lot worse. It could have been Caligula. Or Custer. Or Capone.

I’m referring, of course, to one of my past lives. It gives a person quite a lift knowing about past lives if you happen to have been someone who gets his picture and a pretty good chunk of ink in the encyclopedia — either the Britannica or Baseball version.

Nowadays, it would be listed under Google and Wikipedia.

I know, y’all are saying, “C’mon, Vincent! Bring us in out of the dark here, will ya?”

OK …

I saw this 1-900 telephone number a person can call to find out who they were before anybody had even thought of microwaves. And I was thinking, you know, I’ve always felt that I know so much that it couldn’t possibly have been accumulated in just one lifetime.

I jest.

Anyway, despite the $1.95 per minutes price tag, I called.

At tgheother end, Elliott answered and sounded like he probably knew his business. Right up front he said that if I was frightened by the thought of uncovering one of my past lives, I could disconnect right there and then.

No, I said, I was in for the duration.

Total cost so far: $3.90.

Elliott explained that this was “about a search for meaning,” and that he would look for evidence that I had once carried a different driver’s license.

He told me it was possible that I had been “of the opposite sex” in a previous life, but that that kind of transition was pretty gradual and usually required several incarnations to pull off.

I was thinking, “well, if I have to, then Dottie (from ‘A League of Their Own’ fame) had her moments … but no Marie Antoinette, please!” I like to think I can keep my head.

Total cost so far: $7.80.

Elliott said that birthmarks were often a sign of a spear wound or sword stab — though I’m sure a spiking from an oncoming baserunner sliding into third base would cause the same thing.

He said I should push a button if I had a birthmark — that’s how all of the questions were answered, by pushing a button on the telephone. I figured that little mark on my backside made sense, since any wound I may have had would be received with my back to the attacking foe.

There were an awful lot of questions … go figure, right? But it didn’t seem to bother Elliott much — he talked pretty slow.

Elliott wanted to know if I’d ever experienced deja vu more than once under similar circumstances. I punched “1” for yes, because I recalled waking up many times thinking, “Has my personal check bounced?”

Spooky, I tell you.

Total cost so far: $12.57.

Elliott wondered if I’d ever experienced a buzzing or intense ringing sensation in my ears that grew louder. Yes again … it happens every time I listen to anything Nancy Pelosi says.

Did I suffer from insomnia? Sure … I often lay awake nights wondering how in the world Aaron Boone didn’t win Manager of the Year.

Toward the end of this conversation with Elliott, he took a break to analyze all this (and total my bill, I’m sure) while one of his close associates filled in with information about a numerology line I could call for $2.25 per minute — but I don’t believe in that stuff.

Then Elliott came back and said he and his co-scammers — ummm, co-workers — had concluded that “quite possibly” I used to be Dr. David Livingstone, the missionary and explorer of Africa. Then he told me a great deal about Livingstone and it almost sounded as if Elliott were reading that part. But I can’t say for sure.

Total cost so far: $25.35.

Livingstone is a pretty nifty guy to have been. He/I did a lot of good work. Of course, the two of us are most famous for getting sick and being rescued by Henry Stanley, who was played by Spencer Tracy in the movie — while Livingstone didn’t do too bad having Sir Cedric Hardwicke play him.

Anyway, the best part is that Elliott told me that, before I became Dr. Livingstone, another person was him — or me: Dave Barry, a person who went on to become a famous columnist in Miami and author.

I can accept that.

I do, however, wish they’d known they would somehow morph into me, because if it were me — and it was — I would have left me all their money and writing talent.

Elliott didn’t even ask if I played baseball. My money still would have been on Cobb or Jackson, except that Elliott now had a large portion of it.

Final cost: $37.05.

Now, where’s my expense report?

W. Curt Vincent can be reached at 910-506-3023 or [email protected].

W. Curt Vincent Editor
https://www.laurinburgexchange.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/web1_WCurtV-2.jpgW. Curt Vincent Editor